Alamo Drafthouse locationsacrossthecountryare hostingall - clown screenings of Itthis weekend in an badly - suggest effort to turn the world ’s innate and rational fear of clowns into some sort of “ fun ” merchandising stunt . To reiterate : there ’s a solid chance you ’re going to see gangs of clowns roaming the street .
To be fair , the huge absolute majority of the buffoon you might knock into this weekend are simply going to be overenthusiastic Stephen King fan who gleefully responded to the Alamo Drafthouse ’s unbalanced call to arms . But , as is always the case when there are more clowns roll the street than normal , it is important to remember that some clowns are n’t just the great unwashed in awful Party City makeup . Some clowns are n’t hoi polloi at all — they’re homicidal , sanguinary monsters who ’d like nothing more than slump their filthy teeth into your unsuspecting flesh .
We here at io9 take clown safety very seriously , so we wanted to familiarise everyone with a ) how to differentiate between harmless human clowns and their ( much more ) murderous cousin ; and b ) how to confront a buffoon should the situation call for it . Remember , people , clown are much less afraid of you than you are of them , so it ’d behoove you to have a game program at the ready unless you ’re trying to get got .
Step 1: Figure Out What Kind of Clown It Is
The most unsettling , severe thing about buffoon is that it can at time be difficult to identify what type of harlequin you ’re lot with . There areregular clowns , mobster crime lord clowns , deranged serial killer clowns , and then all manners of aboriginal , supernatural evil simplymasquerading as buffoon .
You should always seek to determine whether the clown in question is , in fact , a even human , given that they ’re the least probable to in reality try and bolt down you . gratefully , these goof are often the prosperous to pick out in a gang because of the perceptibly “ normal ” things they tend to do .
Is the clown using a cellphone ? Does the clown ’s costume and composition look rather shoddily put together ? Is the clown interacting ( amicably ) with a visibly human person ? If the answer to any of these questions is “ yes , ” then you ’re plausibly in luck . This clown ’s just trying to mind its own concern unless it ’s a gangster merry andrew or a serial grampus clown . These clowns , despite technically being human , are know for their red inclination and should not be approach under any circumstances .
In either case if you feel threatened , lead , call the police and/or a local animal - theme vigilante , and you should be ok .
Step 1.5: Understand That Supernatural Clowns Are Dangerous
If you ’re the only soul that can see the clown , things are a wee bit more complicated because it means that the being you ’re look at with is supernatural . The slap-up matter about man clowns ( cause of death or not ) is that with enough self-control and adrenaline , you’re able to put some distance between yourself and them . Supernatural buffoon are a little bit slick because no matter how far you run from them , chances are that they ’ll captivate up using one of their inexplicable abilities .
( Note : in some instances , regular human clowns sometime become supernatural clowns , particularly after mystifying resurrections . If you see a normal clown die and then get back up , feign that you ’re facing with a unlike stock of hassle . )
By the sentence you see a supernatural clown , you ’ve beget to assume that it ’s already seen you more than once and is only choosing to make itself visible to you now because it ’s plan your imminent end . This might at first sound terrifying , but the most crucial thing to bear in psyche about is that fear is the clown ’s greatest weapon . The more layer head up you are in contend with these affair , the better hazard you ’ve got at in good order fending it off .
Step 2: Gather Your Wits
If you think you ’ve witnessed a supernatural clown , the first matter you involve to do is think to yourself : “ have I seen and/or heard anything about this clown lately ? ” This could admit local urban myths about clowns , news composition about mysterious clown sightings , or even something as innocuous as a random passage in a book about clowns .
As scarey as supernatural clowns are , they almost always have a weakness that you could overwork with a little know - how . The tonality is figuring it out cursorily enough to keep open your life .
While you should have already called the local authorization to inform them of the clown threat prowling their streets , supernatural clowns are notorious for their ability to confound and parry the great unwashed they are n’t immediately targeting . What ’s more , there ’s no guarantee that the police will believe you if you hear to explain that an undead / demonic / otherwise - magical clown is trying to kill you . You ’re more or less on your own here . Still , though , do n’t panic .
Step 3: Be Smart and Improvise
Your best stakes it to flee to the nearestbotanica . If you do n’t know what a botanica is , Google it , get direction and head there . If it has a phone number , call and endeavor to speak with the shop owner . The owner of a botanica is exponentially better equipped to assist you with a supernatural clown than the constabulary . If you may make it to the botanica , that ’s excellent . There will be a diverseness of goodness and products there design to guard off different sort of malevolent beings . Again , talk with the proprietors about your clown problem ( they ’ll translate ) and take whatever advice they can give you .
see the botanica is n’t a guarantee that you ’ll have what you demand to dispatch your execution clown , but it should get you in the right creative headspace . Whether it ’s burning it with Florida water molotov cocktails or saying the merry andrew ’s honest name backwards , whatever method you at last habituate to defeat a clown that ’s trying to down you is going to take a turn of extemporization . The more estimation you’re able to get along up with on the fly to throw at the affair , the more potential you are to walk off whole .
If you take one piece of music of information away from this post , let it be this : regardless of what sort of clown position you find yourself in , you ’re almost always going to be wing it . If everyone know what to do when a horrifying imaginativeness of carnival past showed up , we would n’t all be scared shitless of them . But again , that ’s ok . All you call for to do is keep unagitated , run , and call back before you scream .
Joker
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